Slow Down

I woke up on Monday morning in a little bit of a mood. I had overslept and as a result, was reduced to rushing to do everything before scrambling out to leave. My friend had accidentally backed into my door on Saturday night/Sunday morning (the exact time is beyond us) and my shifting gears were not cooperating (entirely unrelated to the accident) but basically, my car was un-driveable. I had no choice. I had to drive one of my Dad's cars if I had a hope of getting to class on time. Really. I mean one thing after another.

Long story short, I got no more than a mile from the house and I got pulled over. Lovely. I was slightly in the wrong but at that point, my brain was so fuzzy and I was so tired/upset/drained from my long weekend that I couldn't really focus on anything. I...really shouldn't have been trying to drive. I rolled down my window to hand the officer all my paperwork and he asked me, "Are you okay, miss?" As I sat there staring at the steering wheel, my knuckles white from clutching my license so tightly, I was wondering, "am I okay?"

No. The answer was no. I was not okay. And I proceeded to show him just how NOT okay I was. I haven't cried that hard in a long time. It was like I had sprung a leak and everything just came pouring out of me. I couldn't stop. I was distraught. I was tired, my morning wasn't starting very well, it had been a long weekend, my car was in sad shape, and I was getting pulled over for the first time since getting my license. I'm normally such a safe driver, I swear. I think I threw the officer off because he took pity on me and only gave me a warning, but that was it. That was the final straw. I sat in the semi-empty parking lot, long after he had driven away, bawling my eyes out and trying to gather the energy to drive back home. There was no way in hell I was going to school still.

I finally managed to get home and I crashed. After crying some more and venting to my mom, I came to a realization: I need to slow down. I need to have some time to myself. I've been going, going, going for the past 8 months in an attempt, I guess, to forget about my pain. I guess I figured that if I was out around people more, spending time with my friends, making friends, going to more shows, and trying new things, it would force me to forget my loneliness. And truthfully, it helped for a while. I would come home so tired and happy that I didn't have time to brood and feel sorry for myself or my relationship status. But lately...I've been feeling kind of down again. Like my life has been stuck in go all the time but I'm not really going anywhere? Regardless, I've been making myself sick. Oh sure, I've had a lot of fun. I faced countless fears and I was around some pretty fantastic friends. But I wasn't taking care of myself. Not really. So from now on, I'm going to try and take it easy on myself. To slow down and make time to sleep and write and have a day to myself once a week. It's not too hard. I can find a balance. I know I can.

And...no post would be complete without a song. So. Here ya go:

Happy Wednesday!

xoxo