Hey blogspot,
It's been awhile. I have completely been neglecting you, allowing tumblr to become my blog of choice for the past two-ish years. Sorry about that. I've missed writing though. Really writing. Getting my thoughts out in print, on screen, and published, jumbled though they may be.
The past year and a half in particular has been a whirlwind of emotions, ups and downs, and growth. Firstly, I finally graduated university with a Bachelors of Arts in Art History and Criticism (yay!). With graduation came all sorts of feelings, financial constraints, and celebrating. I took it all in and then panicked. What in the world was I to do in terms of my future now? What kind of job did I see myself having? How was I going to make ends meet?
As I continued to slightly lose it I realized that there was no way that I would be able to keep living in my wonderful studio apartment, having quit my steady part-time job a month earlier because I was miserable. I just didn't have the funds anymore. I could no longer pay for my space so there seemed to be only one solution as I began to work my way forward: it was time to move back home. My parents and family were supportive of my decision, but, to me it still feels like I have regressed. Moved back instead of forward.
And then jobs! There seemed to be none everywhere I turned. I sent out application after application all to no avail. It was all too much to take in. After months of frustration, I began to lose hope that I would ever find anything good. Or even anything bad. Why wouldn't anyone give me a chance? I knew that I had something to offer to the workforce, that I could be an asset to any team, and that if only I could prove myself everyone would realize how great I knew I was.
Struggling with all of my feelings and feeling rejected has been my reality now since graduation. After all this time I am finally employed, but it's still not exactly what I had been holding out for, or what I really wanted. What I still hope to have someday. Oh don't get me wrong. I am so so so so so grateful to finally have a job that I kind of enjoy going to; one that pays all of my bills, even if it is only part-time still. I have great bosses and I enjoy being around all of my co-workers. I am closer to that ideal museum setting I've always pictured myself working in. And I know that this is a stepping off point. It's just hard to keep focused on all of these positives sometimes. I get caught up far too often in my current situation and compare it to the ideal situation. The place I thought I would be at in my life right now. I had always hoped that things would be more put together and more figured out by the time I turned 25. And in the next month I'll be 26 and no closer to having it all figured out. I know that that is all part of growing up, being an 'adult', and all that, but it doesn't make me feel any better when I'm feeling down.
I've definitely grown though. And I'm still learning every day. My family still loves me. I have friends that really care about me. I have income and a place to live. I'm never hungry. My life could be worse. My life is pretty great most days. I try and focus on all of this whenever I have bad days. And most times it's enough. I know that things can only get better and that someday soon I'll have things figured out. Maybe. And even if I never really have the dream for myself that I always pictured, that's ok, too. It will be better. I will get my life where I want it soon. And in the meantime? I will continue to think as many happy thoughts as I can. Because I CAN do this. This life is pretty great.
Thanks for listening. You've always been such a great listener.
Talk to you soon.
xoxo,
Kaitlyn
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